


Samsara

by nekonexus



Series: Samsara [1]
Category: Saiyuki, Saiyuki Gaiden
Genre: Gen, Post-Journey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-06
Updated: 2006-04-06
Packaged: 2017-10-26 03:30:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekonexus/pseuds/nekonexus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the journey, there's a choice, but Mercy is still a bitch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Samsara

"Dividing the world in two was one way to stop the minus wave from destroying reality completely," Kanzeon Bosatsu said, with an amused look.

"You had a better idea?"

Se shrugged. "It works as well as any. The dragons are happy -- they get to govern the youkai world. Heaven is happy -- they still get to rule the humans. The rest?" Se paused, lips pursed thoughtfully. "The half-breeds fall through the cracks, of course. But then, they were never supposed to exist in the first place, hmm?"

Se's smile was met by stoney silence.

"It does complicate things for you," the merciful goddess continued. "But you guys never could do anything the easy way."

"What do you mean?"

"You completed the mission, so you've earned the right to choose," se said, suddenly serious. "Nothing more, nothing less than a choice."

"A choice of what, precisely?"

"Which world you want to live in, of course. You can return to Heaven, as kami, or to the world below, as human, or as youkai."

"...What's the catch?"

The merciful goddess smiled sadly. "You can only choose a world in which you have a right to exist. You can only choose to be something you already are."

"I refuse."

Kanzeon laughed. "Of course you would. There is one other option -- rebirth. Let samsara decide it for you."

\---

"Those are some shitty choices," Gojyo muttered, lighting a smoke.

Se raised an eyebrow. "You think you deserve better? At least you get to choose to be human or youkai, despite being neither. Not a choice other halfbreeds got."

Gojyo tried not to shudder. "Nah. But why can't we know what each other are choosing?"

"No dice. It's your choice, and yours alone."

\---

"Could we not just let Fate decide?" Hakkai asked, with a brittle smile.

"You've rejected Fate one too many times for it to welcome you with open arms now," Kanzeon replied drily.

"Ah," he murmured, dropping his gaze.

\---

"I'm not leaving Goku," Sanzo growled.

Kanzeon shrugged.

\---

"I'm not choosing unless Nataku gets to choose, too!" Goku exclaimed. "It's not fair, otherwise. He's never had a choice."

Se smiled gently. "That's not something I can negotiate."

\---

"How long do we have to decide?"

"As long as you need. You're outside of time until you choose."

\---

If he chose human, Goku couldn't be there.

If Goku chose youkai, he couldn't be there.

If they both chose Heaven....

He did not want Goku to have to endure that. Not again.

Death and rebirth? How long would it take to find him again?

Sanzo ground his teeth and smoked.

\---

He could be youkai, full-blooded like he'd wanted almost all his life. But a youkai without a clan.... Sure Kou and Doku would probably take him in -- assuming they'd survived -- but it wasn't the same. It wasn't _belonging_.

He could be human. Hakkai might choose that, and of course Sanzo could, so at least the three of them might still be together. But Goku....

Heaven, then?

He made a face. Heaven was _boring_ , or stupid, or dangerous combinations of the two.

Rebirth? What if he couldn't find them?

Staring at a non-existant ceiling, Gojyo smoked.

\---

He could be human again. The desire had never quite gone away. A simple life, just the chance to live out the rest of his days. He had no right to ask for more. And yet....

He was youkai. Had even become somewhat comfortable in his own skin again. Being youkai was so much _more_ than being human. So much more of _life_...

...and death.

 _Kanan...._

The bodhisattva would surely laugh if he chose to become kami. How could he even consider it, with the weight of blood on his hands?

And the others? What would they choose?

A life alone would be infinitely painful. Perhaps that was all he deserved, but he would not willingly punish himself. Not anymore.

He no longer desired death, now that it was offered.

\---

If Nataku wasn't going to get a choice, then he'd have to choose Heaven. He still couldn't remember all of what had happened, but he remembered Nataku, and a promise to climb the best trees, and not wanting him to be alone. Nataku shouldn't have to be alone.

He wasn't really youkai. Being youkai would be somehow _less_ than what he was. And Sanzo couldn't be youkai.

He couldn't be human. There was nothing human about him, never had been. ( _Except what Sanzo saw, what Sanzo accepted. He wasn't just an animal or a force of nature._ )

Scowling, Goku paced.

\---

"Have you chosen, then?" Kanzeon asked.

Sanzo stubbed out his cigarette and tucked his hands in his sleeves.

\---

Gojyo stood, stretched, and smirked around his cigarette.

\---

Hakkai smiled politely.

\---

Goku rocked back on his heels, fingers laced behind his head.

\---

"Yes."

\---

And time splintered into motion again.

~*~*~

"Clever boys," Kanzeon murmured, watching them.

A one word answer, the same answer, from all four of them, and the possibilities spilled out into an almost infinite number of realities.

\---

He woke in a field outside the ruins of the castle, alone, and lay there for hours, smoking and staring at the sky.

Eventually, he scrubbed at his eyes, cursed the ash that must be blowing back in his face, and forced himself to his feet.

Alone.

\---

He woke in a field outside the ruins of the castle, glanced around more quickly than he should have, and was greeted by a polite, apologetic smile.

He huffed out a sigh that he wouldn't admit was relief, and they both waited.

Eventually, the two of them continued on, not quite alone.

\---

He woke in a field outside the ruins of the castle, heard a muttered groan and smelled cheap smokes.

They sat and glared at each other for far too long before accepting it.

Eventually, the two of them continued on, not quite alone.

\---

He woke in a field outside the ruins of the castle, heard the soft sounds of conversation, and turned to glare at the pair of them. One smiled, a strangely honest smile. The other smirked around his cigarette.

Eventually, the three of them got up and moved on, pretending they weren't missing a fourth.

\---

He woke in a field, in the shadow of a castle still standing, and raised a hand before his face.

He flexed his fingers, inspected the curve of a claw at the end of each, and almost smiled.

Eventually, he got up and headed for the castle, alone.

\---

He woke in a bed too soft, too comfortable, too _clean_ scented to be anything other than Heaven. Forcing his eyes open, he glared at the ceiling, daring it to fall.

A voice called him. A familiar voice.

Rolling out of bed, he reached for his fan to help shut the voice up.

~*~*~

And on, and on, and on: each of them, each possibility, alone, together, in the human world, in the youkai world, in Heaven, in death and rebirth. In choosing to simply say "yes," they had forced the hand of Fate, created a nodal point from which quantum variants sprang. And each was himself, and each was part of the greater whole, and each would weave and thread through lifetimes.

 _Since the day I was born until the day I die, the only side I'm on is my own...._


End file.
